I've been struggling with whether to write this, but I came to the conclusion that even if nobody reads it, I want to write it.

I'm going to ask you to take the next couple of sentences on trust, because I have no way of proving to you that they're true, which is a shame. But I had a dream, a couple of weeks ago, that inspired this. I dreamt that I woke up on my first day in the halls of residence at the university I went to knowing everything that I know now.

It was terrifying. In my dream, I knew who I could trust, and who I couldn't; I knew what was going to happen, and didn't think that even knowing, I could change anything, in any way. Not that that would stop me trying. It was, subjectively, a short dream, but the feeling of odd terror remained with me for the rest of the day, and then, after about a week, the dream started to fade.

It was only this week, when I heard a debate on the Jeremy Vine show about students having a negative impact on neighbourhoods that I suddenly realised how much of me is still, in some ways, sympathetic to students, if not that I still feel like one.

Five long years have passed since I graduated. I'm gratified to think that I can say that I was part of the last intake of students to begin in the last millenium, because that sounds somehow epic, even though in reality it was less than a decade ago.

So I was wondering what advice I could provide to new students, because I keep hearing about it being the start of the new academic term. And then I thought; I don't really have advice. I don't have wisdom. What I do have - reams and reams of it - is experience. So if you want to read this and take any of it away, be my guest.

It was a little easier for me, though, when I began, because my school-leaving generation had Sunscreen to give us advice on, well, everything.

Anyway, I present:

Experience tells me you can sleep through almost anything (Or, the SR New Student Advisory Pack)!

Firstly, let's get the important one out of the way first. Look up Imposter Syndrome. If you're going to university, you're going to be away from your friends, your family, and your peer group (until you establish a new one, at least). This means all you have to compare yourself to are other new students. It's easy to fall into the trap of believing that you've been lucky, or flukey, or other ways of believing that you shouldn't be there and sooner or later they're going to discover this and throw you out, or you're going to fail in an epic fashion.

Listen to me closely: this is not true.

If you're at university, you're intelligent enough to be there. However you've done it, you've got your foot in the door. They wouldn't offer you a place if they didn't want you, so it's just up to you to prove that you belong there rather than believing you don't.

You will, in all likelihood, have to work harder than you ever have before. But if it wasn't a challenge, how would it be worth it? Rise to the occasion. Screw the media, talking of easier exams and higher entry rates. Screw the critics, consistently complaining about dumbing-down. If you're there, for now, you're meant to be there.

Now that the most important point is out of the way, there are some things I wish I could go back in time and tell myself, over a beer.

A few things to bear in mind.

(I) If you sleep with anyone on your course in the first month, you're going to have to sit in the confined spaces of lecture theatres and seminar rooms for the next eight months with them. If it leads to a lasting relationship, fantastic. If it's a one-night-stand, not so much.

(II) Money is always going to be difficult to manage. Always. The student loan is a lovely thing until the realisation that you have to pay it back hits you, but don't worry about that just yet. Unless you're lucky - and therefore rich - expect to be watching the pennies for a long, long time.

(III) Become a good judge of people as quickly as you can. Friends will come and go, good friends less so. At the end of the day, every, single, person on your course in your year is in exactly the same situation as you. If anyone acts like they know it all, they don't. Confidence is fine, but arrogance is really unattractive.

(IV) When it comes to finding accommodation for your later study years, don't - honestly, don't - live with your friends, your coursemates or anyone close to you. You never find out more about someone than when you live with them, and in my experience, it's not often that you like what you find out. Close proximity breeds contempt like nobody's business. If you can, live with people you can tolerate and meet your friends elsewhere. It may seem like odd advice to recommend not living with people you know and like, but if you still know and like them at the end of the year, you're the exception to the rule.

Out of all the people I lived with in my university years, I still keep in regular contact with only one of them. A few others I keep in irregular contact with. The rest proved to be so horrific as roommates that there was enough mutual enmity at the end of the year to power a battleship, and I've not spoken to them since. (This rule also works for sharing tents at festivals, to a lesser degree.)

(V) You will get used to eating bad food, because it's cheap. This is not in itself a bad thing. But don't overestimate the joy that a relatively balanced diet can bring. Fast food is fine as long as it's not every day. This goes double if you get any bar work with major pub chains; the half-price food is an enticement, but you will pay for it later.

A corollary to this: Mr Coffee, contrary to popular belief, is not your friend. Coffee is fine, coffee is good, coffee swiftly becomes an addiction. There are some people that say that if you need to be staying up late, cramming or deadline chasing, you haven't planned your time efficiently, but they're patronising, and we will ignore them.

What does matter is whether you're constantly needing caffeine or stimulants to keep you awake enough to function, because then, there's something wrong. I nurtured a coffee addiction in my first year up to the point where my body rebelled and refused to let me drink it any more without - oh, let's just leave it at 'bad symptoms'. It's not pleasant to describe. A friend of mine - who started at the same time as me and went on to work on their PHD - nurtured an addiction so strong that only quadruple expressos in the morning would help. Burnout becomes a very real possibility, quicker than you might imagine.

Similarly nicotine - smoke if you want to, but who can afford to nowadays?

Also, a word on sugar. Mr Haribo was my friend for a lot of my studies, as were Mr Chocolate and all his friends. Sugar is just as addictive, though, and stays with you for a longer time than you'd think.

Bad food is fine. Caffeine is fine. Sugar is, more or less, fine. Bad food, caffeine and sugar in one diet will do you more wrong than a thousand lovers.

(VI) Some advice on friends. If people are saying to you 'Oh, university, that's where you make the friends that will last the rest of your life', I hate to tell you this, but they're lying.

They shouldn't be. It should be true. I hope, in your case, it turns out to be true. But university is one of the places where people change personalities more often than they change socks. (I wish this last part weren't true.)

The people you know in one academic year may change so much over the year that you may not feel you know them the next. By all means, make as many friends as you can, but don't weep when not all of them stay that way. I have a few people I class as close friends that I keep in contact with from my university years, and a few more that I have abridged contact with, and I'm happy enough with that result.

(VII)

If I hear the phrase 'Town and Gown' again, I may go crazy.

If you're living somewhere, you're part of the community, whether you like it or not. Never think for one second that you're separate, or special, or different, and don't have to contribute anything. Don't treat the people living around you with contempt, or disdain, or, worse, indifference. They have to put up with enough students who do this, so don't be one of them.

Living near inconsiderate students is tough enough on anyone. There are enough tales of raucous parties, bad hygiene, and such already, so don't contribute to them. This is your chance to prove that students make good neighbours, and, as we all know, good neighbours become good friends. I was fortunate, I guess, in that in the shared accommodation I lived in I rarely saw my neighbours. You may not be so lucky. Respect your neighbours, and respect your local community.

Let's take a break for a second, anyway.

And we're back!

The one thing I know is that all this is going to sound, to a greater or lesser extent, patronising. If not, it may sound like every other student advice website or book out there, and if so, I apologise. Maybe my experience was generic. I don't think so.

Over the course of my degree, I changed courses three times, and took a year out mid-degree to sort everything out. I lived in seven different places, five of them student halls and two shared accommodation. I developed my passion for music, working at the student newspaper - which meant I could get as many free CDs as I wanted, until I was deposed - trust me, this word is accurate - for doing so, at which point I moved on to getting free PS2 games, until I moved on from that.

I was in relationships that lasted an afternoon, a night, and almost a year, and a few others besides. I had friendships that lasted between a week and several years, and sometimes I wish some of the former had been the latter, but, fortunately for me, not vice-versa.

In some ways, I wish my university experience had been generic. Typical, even. But it wasn't, thanks to the things I've been trying to outline above.

It's impossible to write advice without sounding like I think I know it all. I don't. Not at all. I can't stress this enough. The problem is, if you're starting university this year, whether you like it or not, you're formed clay. When you began school, you were unformed clay, and you've been moulded into a shape by your parents, teachers, and friends. Now, at university, you're being shaped, baked and glazed, and once you're done, you should be the finished article, ready to face the world.

You may not be, though. I don't feel like a finished article, half a decade on. Glazed, maybe, but not finished.

I graduated with a decent grade. I wanted to continue my studies, but I realise now that at the time, I wasn't ready. I was still a little immature, bad with money, and had a pretty bad attitude.

Five years on, and I'm more mature. My attitude is better. I'm still bad with money, but I'm earning my own wage, so that's something I can work on.

But here's the thing. My job sucks. It really does. I took it on to pay off crippling student overdrafts that I shouldn't have taken out. That achieved - in short order, I'm proud to say - I stayed on, because it was better than quitting for no reason.

I don't earn enough to get on the housing ladder, my job has no prestige, and it'll never make me rich. If I had gone to university believing I would graduate and immediately find a high-paying, prestigious job, I would have been sorely disappointed.

But, believe it or not, right now, I'm happy. When people say that Money Isn't Everything, hold back on the urge to slap them for being self-righteous, because, believe it or not, they're almost right. Money is a great deal of everything, but not all of it. It helps, certainly, but it's not worth devoting the totality of your time on this planet to chasing it.

Also, a final thing to consider. Having graduated, I was convinced that I could have done so, much, better. I beat myself up over it for years. I wondered if I could go back and do another degree, dump myself further in to debt, and walk away with something I could use.

This feeling left me, eventually. But not totally.

In the end, I asked my employer nicely if I could continue my studies and work full-time. And because I asked nicely, I'm now undertaking postgraduate study with the Open University. I wish I could close this by saying that I'm now a model student, but I'm still a deadline-chaser, and I always will be.

I'm really tempted to finish this with a cheesy ending, like 'But, most importantly of all, good luck!' or some other platitude. But I can't, because that really would be patronising.

Here's the thing. Whether you like it or not, you will only ever get out of your university experience as much as you're prepared to put in. There's no multiplier. When I look back now, I kind of wish I'd joined more clubs and societies, taken up a sport, joined a band, had a lasting relationship - it's possible, believe it or not - but, now it's done, with every day that passes, I'm more at peace with how I spent my time at university.

I have to go back there in October. A close friend, who is still studying there, has their final examination on that day, and I've said I'll be there to meet them when they're done, pass or fail. They are truly my last link to my old university, and once that day is done, and I get on the train and begin the journey home, I'll have no legitimate reason to go back there. This thought makes me a little sad; I spent around a fifth of my life there.

But part of being a good student is the art of knowing when exactly to move on, of course.

And in case you were wondering, the title is true. As a student, I developed the ability to sleep through, in no particular order:

Punjabi MC at full volume
Psychotic flatmates breaking random things at random times
Fire Alarms designed to wake all but Sleeping Beauty
Random Sexual Noises from the next room
The full version of Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel's 'Come up and see me'
Partial versions of Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel's 'Come up and see me'
The intro of 'Come up and see me', repeated at irregular intervals
I'm With You on repeat (Thank you, American Housemates)
The sound of a relationship crashing and burning (oops)

You may not believe any of my advice. But trust me on the sleeping.